Unless you’re homeless and living under a bridge, I’ll assume you’ve caught wind of the fact that the biggest movie star in the world, Johnny Depp, has been accused of domestic violence by his soon-to-be ex-wife, Amber Heard.
So why am I even wasting my time with this celebrity nonsense? Sure, I suppose I’m a fan of Depp’s work. At least some of it. I thought he did an amazing job portraying Hunter S. Thompson/Raoul Duke in Terry Gilliam’s Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. I also thought he was pretty great in the Hughes Brothers’ From Hell. Those are actually two of my favorite movies.
But who cares about my crap taste in movies? No one!
And it sure as shit isn’t because I’m a fan of his rock “super group,” Hollywood Vampires. Truly one of the most unpleasant things to have ever abused my ears.
So why am I taking a couple hours out of my day to address this topic?
The reason this story grabbed my attention is that I was once wrongly accused of domestic violence. And let me tell you, it was one of the worst experiences of my life. And I strongly believe that men being falsely accused of this is something that goes on waaaay more often than most people would care to admit. We live in a culture that is conditioned to immediately sympathize and accept a woman’s word as the god’s honest truth when even the thinnest of evidence is presented to support their claims of domestic violence victimization. And that is insane.
Why is it insane? Because women are members of the same human race as men. And humans, by their very nature, are lying sacks of shit.
Now I’m not looking to start some sort of male advocacy group, but I think it’s something worth shining a light on. And Depp’s dilemma being so incredibly high-profile, it seems a good opportunity to discuss it.
Ultimately, I still accept the blame for my experience because of my incredibly poor choice in the girl I chose to get involved with. I make no excuses, but it should be noted that this was around 15 years ago and I was at the peak of my former human party tornado period. I was so perpetually fucked up at the time that I thought it was a good idea to let a hooker from The BunnyRanch follow me home and run around Los Angeles together for a few months. Eventually, during a very brief moment of clarity (brought on by tonsillitis-induced sobriety), I broke off our little romantic adventure and she went into complete and total psychotic meltdown mode.
But it was I who willingly stuck my hand on the burning hot stove. I just want to make that point perfectly clear.
So the nuclear bomb-level devastation from our split finally reached critical mass with her filing assault charges against me with the LAPD, claiming that I broke down the door to her apartment, and then assaulted her and a male friend of hers. The funny thing about it is that I could not get far enough away from her at the time. In fact, during the night in question, I was in San Francisco, California. Basically I was hiding from her, waiting for shit to blow over. And I was able to easily prove that fact. But that didn’t make the interrogation with the detectives any less frightening. Even though I willingly entered that police station to answer her charges, armed with irrefutable evidence as to my whereabouts on the night she claimed I assaulted her and her friend, I was still making hot doodie in my pants. What evidence had she cooked up? Luckily, very little. She simply lacked the mental capacity required to pull-off an elaborate scheme like that, and after having talked to me, the cops saw right through he lies. I was out of there in an hour. And the detectives assured me that she was going to get the lecture of her life. I thought they should have thrown her in jail but they just shrugged and mumbled something about it being too hard to prosecute. Of course it would have been. But she did back off after that, so I suppose whatever they said to her actually worked. At that point I wished they had beaten her like Rodney King, but I soon got over it.
But what if I had just been home that night by myself, with no witnesses to back me up? I probably would have at least been booked, spent the night in jail, and maybe even drained dry by blood-sucking Jew defense attorneys. Oy vey!
Just try and think about that the next time you hear some hysterical broad screaming about how her ex abused her…particularly during a nasty breakup. People are fucking crazy. Women, men, all of us.
Anyways, back to Depp and Heard…
It seems comedian Doug Stanhope has an interesting take on the whole claim of domestic abuse from Amber Heard. Very interesting. Does it sound familiar to you? I know I’ve witnessed almost the exact same scenario go down with couples before. This is hardly rare.
I obviously don’t know Depp or Heard, but I do know that Stanhope has a sterling track record as a guy who speaks the painfully honest truth. And his razor-sharp observational skills and his ability to articulate his points are what make him one of the most brilliant comedians alive today. I’ve never met the dude myself but we have two mutual friends and they have always offered up praise and positive comments about his rock-solid integrity.
I’d say he makes an excellent witness for the defense.
Read what Stanhope has to say and judge for yourself:
Johnny Depp’s friend, comic Doug Stanhope, says that Heard was “threatening to lie about him publicly in any and every possible duplicitous way if he didn’t agree to her terms”
It’s almost 4 a.m. and I can’t sleep. Not even dozing off. Today, a friend of mine was pilloried in the press for domestic violence. Coupled with a picture of his wife with a bruise, he was murdered on social media.
I watched it happen and I didn’t say a fucking word.
Even though I knew it was bullshit.
We’d watched it build like this since before they were married. We’d watched her manipulate and fuck with him for years. We didn’t say a word. To each other, yes, but never to him.
When your friend is in an awful, abusive relationship — man or woman — and you risk weighing in that their counterpart is a demon, you know the odds are they will jump right back into the fire and then dump you from their life for being honest.
Most of us have been on one or both sides of this coin. Choosing to be blinded, or removing the people who have clearer eyes that can guide you.
The fact that Hollywood and the entertainment industry at large — fuck, society as a whole — turns a blind eye to domestic violence is abhorrent.
But the tides have turned in such a way that the mere allegation that such a crime has occurred leaves the person accused as guilty without due process.
My girlfriend, Bingo, and I have known Johnny Depp for a few years now. We have watched Amber Heard fuck with him at his weakest — or watched him at his weakest from being fucked with — for the entire time we’ve known him.
And we didn’t say shit.
Because he’s Johnny Depp.
And we didn’t want to be thrown out of the circle for saying that The Emperor was being Stripped of His Clothes.
It isn’t my place to name people who agreed with us but I couldn’t name one person closely associated with him that didn’t feel the same.
But nobody said shit to his face.
Bingo and I were at Johnny’s house for most of that Saturday until just before the alleged assault. We assumed initially that his dour mood was because of his mother’s death the day before.
But he opened up in the most vulnerable of ways that it was not only his mother, but that Amber was now going to leave him, threatening to lie about him publicly in any and every possible duplicitous way if he didn’t agree to her terms. Blackmail is what I would imagine other people might put it, including the manner in which he is now being vilified.
We stopped not saying shit.
Bingo and I together, and then separately, told him how much we were aware of this manipulative asshole, how his closest circle had all agreed on this since the day we met and that we all feared that telling him outright might alienate us all.
Love makes you do funny things.
I told him the truth and I half-expected to be asked to leave. But I wasn’t seeing Johnny Depp. I saw a naked Emperor. And we told him to get dressed.
Other people came in and out during the afternoon, all verifying that we’d been cowardly, saying things only behind his back for so long.
He seemed dumbstruck that nobody had ever come clean about this and he thanked everyone for being honest.
He still pronounced his love for Amber but was presciently aware that she was going to pull off some kind of ruse to fuck him over.
He hadn’t slept in days with anxiety.
You’d call him a paranoid if you didn’t know better.
But he knew better and he was right.
As he finally felt like he could sleep, we left him. From what we now read in the news, later that night the police were called to his house for a domestic dispute. Finding no criminal act had occurred and no signs of physical abuse, the police left.
Everything Johnny had told us that she’d been threatening had actually come to be. It blew up in the news, raced through the Internet like a plague and blew up on Twitter like it was the McMartin child abuse scandal. People are swarming with torches on social media.
I watched it all happen ahead of time and I watched it come to fruition today. And I haven’t been able to sleep again because I didn’t say shit to defend him.
Because I felt like in defending him I would just come across as a sycophant trying to attach myself to a sensationalized story in order to further my career. A latterday Kato Kaelin. And now as the sun is coming up, I realized not saying shit to defend him is a far worse crime of ego; to leave a friend hanging so you don’t look like a suck-up.
I — and the “we” that were there — aren’t suck-ups or apologists. We were witnesses.
I didn’t jump into the fray because I was weak; it was because I didn’t want to look like a name-dropper.
I’ll name-drop now. Johnny Depp is my friend.
But any one of my friends will tell you I always call them out on bullshit. Abusing women is bullshit. Johnny doesn’t abuse anyone. And he told me that day ahead of time that she’d pull some kind of shit like this.
Johnny Depp got used, manipulated, set up and made to look like an asshole. And he saw it coming and didn’t or couldn’t do anything to stop it.
He may never talk to me again for saying it but I’d never forgive myself for not coming to his defense out of fear or ego.
I stand up for my friends and I tell the fucking truth.
– Doug Stanhope
UPDATE: Amber Heard’s attorney says the claim that Heard is blackmailing Johnny Depp is “unequivocally false.”
Okay, so there’s her official statement, delivered via her over-priced, scumbag Hollywood attorney. And paid for by Depp, no doubt. Who saw that coming?
UPDATE #2: Looks like Amber Heard has filed a lawsuit against Doug Stanhope.
I doubt that’ll get the cat back in the bag, honey.
UPDATE #3: Well, well, well… looks like Amber Heard was once arrested for domestic violence.
Buy Mitchell Boone a beer!