Pay For Your Own College, Asshole





by Mike Terry

I’m against affordable college tuition… Life is just one long hazing ritual. From the moment the doctor slaps you on the ass until the moment you’re put six feet into the ground, your entire purpose in Life is to endure the hardships that are part of the “gift” of being alive. Life is like a really shitty video game where each level is more difficult and directionless than the last, and the goal is to reach the end with enough health points that you don’t suffer a massive stroke or lose both feet to diabetes before your own personal GAME OVER flashes before your eyes… Yeah, you’re going to die anyway, but, hopefully, it won’t be while attempting to suck sugar-free, papaya-flavored baby food through a straw while wearing two pairs of adult diapers.




The crushing financial debt that comes with a quality college education is simply another part of the hazing process… And, honestly, it helps you to get your shit together better than the military ever could. When you’re $35,000 in the hole, you better fucking believe you’re going to find a way to put that Economics degree to work in your favor. Also, if we’re going to be completely honest, the more affordable college is, the more we’re going to see people pursuing “vanity degrees”… And don’t bullshit yourself or me that they’re not! The more socially pointless a degree is, the more popular it seems to be. People need to stop chasing their dreams, buckle down, and start thinking of others. We need scientists and engineers… Not wastes of space familiar with 19th century French poetry (Sacrebleu! Your degree is worthless!). Look, I’m a huge proponent of the arts, but how many Drama and Film majors does society actually need? “You’re doing a coming-of-age film about a bisexual drummer who falls in love with the heroin-addicted bass player in her all-girl punk band?! And Kristen Stewart will be playing the expressionless club owner?!?! Oh, my! How fresh and innovative!”




So keep college tuition the way it is. Don’t get me wrong… Should someone come across a teenager in the inner city who has the potential to find a cure for cancer, then we should ALL chip in to ensure that kid gets the kind of quality college education they need. But for everyone else, just suck it up and deal with it. You’re not the most unique grain of sand at the beach… Life is hard for everyone; not just you, sugar plum. Besides, maybe the ominous specter of a lifetime of bad credit will make you reconsider pursuing a degree in slam poetry, artisanal mustard making, or whatever the Hell it is people study when they’re aware they’re walking a “tightrope” over a mile wide safety net…







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