Please Place Corey Feldman On Suicide Watch




I don’t understand how former child star/Michael Jackson impersonator/not-so-best-selling author Corey Feldman keeps getting booked on high-profile network TV shows. I get it when he lands on The Howard Stern Show, because Howard brilliantly exploits washed-up celebrity nudnicks like Feldman, who are far too detached from reality to realize they’re being mocked. But The Today Show??? A segment producer on that show, without a single hint of irony, actually had him booked to perform his diarrhea-inducing EDM act for the throngs of Xanax’d American housewives who tune-in to that weekday morning entertainment train wreck.


And why the fuck am I watching it???!


Is it the angelic prostitutes in his back-up band?


I’ll tell you why…

I can’t NOT watch that creepy little douche, whenever he comes on the goddamn tube! I equate my unnatural fascination with Corey Feldman to a sort of sleep paralysis; feeling a level of abject horror that borders on an assault, yet I can’t move or wake. I have no control over it. I just lie there and allow myself to be psychologically tortured.

And if I have to see it, you have to see it.



Sorry, I know that was painful.


So if I had to psychoanalyze his performance – and I do – I would say that he’s working out some sort of deep-seated childhood trauma. And probably of a sexual nature. Although Feldman has always danced around the details of his childhood relationship with Michael Jackson, I think it’s safe to assume that he found himself of the receiving end of a deep anal pummeling from Jackson’s Alopecia tainted pecker.

And let’s be honest here, Feldman ran out of that Lost Boys money decades ago. What we have here is Michael Jackson rape hush money, funding Corey Feldman’s very public music and dance ritual/meltdown, as a way for him to work through the emotional pain left by having his butthole repeatedly and forcefully dilated by the King of Pop.

It’s all very disturbing.





Like what you see going on here?
Buy Mitchell Boone a beer!

2 comments on “Please Place Corey Feldman On Suicide Watch
  1. polarbear says:

    Corey Feldman is a fucking asshole , his head is in the fucking 80s mannnn , there will be the day when he will stop making money for promoters and agents , when that comes he’ll blow through what money he has and end up as a security guard who collects model trains made in China . He’s a has been that never was .

  2. Corey's Angel says:

    [Intro: Snoop Dogg, Corey’s angels]
    Kitty kitty (?)
    Hit the club (tell ’em)
    (Go for it)

    [Verse 1: Corey Feldman]
    They’re trying to beat you down
    They want you on the ground
    They leave you lying at the door
    Don’t make a sound
    No one will notice them
    They turn and laugh again
    They make you
    Make from us is till nobody noticed them

    [Pre-Chorus 1: Corey Feldman and Corey’s angels]
    Just when you think it’s all over
    Know whom realizes what you’re gonna do
    Every shot fired from execution
    So what, what have you got to lose

    [Chorus 1: Corey Feldman and Corey’s angels]
    We got nothing to lose so baby baby
    Let’s go for it
    Go for it
    We got nothing to lose so baby baby
    Let’s go for it
    Go for it
    You gotta reach for the sky
    Ain’t no problems to hide
    Go for it
    No we’re not gonna stop
    Until we reach the top
    Go for it, go for it

Leave a Reply